How I Remember People's Names

Several years ago, I did a project with a lady who was excellent at remembering names. We were working in an unfamiliar town and getting to know everyone. She was excellent at remembering people's names. It impressed me how it lubricated social situations. When we went to the same Starbucks on Day 2, she remembered the names of all the staff she had met the previous day. It led to more conversations, introductions to other people, and probably a discount.

I was so impressed that I decided to try to remember more people's names. To my surprise, with a bit of practice and a little cheating, I can remember many names.

Remembering names didn't help our hunter-gatherer ancestors survive, so it's not an instinct or reflex today, but we can learn names. Point at anything in the room, and you know its name, after all. I don't remember all names. I'm probably only 50/50, but I'm so much better than most people that it's shocking.

The most exciting thing, though, is that since I started trying to remember people's names, my brain has become better at remembering people's names from before I started trying to remember names. It's as if this information is locked away in the brain, and it just now decided to index it for easy retrieval.

At first, I tried the usual tricks. The age-old advice of repeating someone's name in my head several times didn't help. I had spent decades practicing forgetting people's names as soon as I heard them. My brain went on autopilot and promptly flushed that information as soon as it came in.

I started by taking notes. Everyone plays on their phone all the time, so pick a note-taking app and make a list of people and where you saw them. When you go back to the same place, review the notes in case you run into one of the people you have met before. Maybe you'll remember, maybe not. When you do, it will be way more often than before you started taking notes. If you make a mistake, you at least tried to remember a person's name. Also, as a social reflex, if you call someone the wrong name they will correct you and tell you their name again.

You can get clues to people's names in other ways, as well. Many people wear name tags, hand out business cards, have their name printed on a receipt, etc. You can keep these or use them to update your list.

The other method I use to remember people's names is to just ask them... or at least create a social situation where someone would normally tell me their name. When you forget someone else's name, chances are that they forgot yours, too. They are probably too embarrassed to say so and might even shy away from starting a conversation because of the awkwardness. This is where learning to remember people's names has helped me the most. I've learned to alleviate that awkwardness by just saying, "I know we've met, but I don't remember your name... Mine is Randall." Following the social cues that we've practiced all our lives, they will tell you their name again. They're probably secretly relieved that you saved them from asking yours again. Sometimes when I remember someone's name, I assume they have forgotten since almost everyone does. "Nice to see you, Joe. I'm Randall, in case you don't remember." Usually, they'll giggle, and I'll say something like "most people don't remember names."

Occasionally remembering someone's name scares them. We go on about our lives in relative anonymity. I have greeted someone by name outside the usual setting we know each other and it spooked them. I had to explain that remembering names is a thing I've practiced and that I happened to remember theirs - I'm not stalking them.

Similarly, most people are a little embarrassed that they don't remember your name. When you remember theirs, it adds to their embarrassment. Just play it cool; give them your name again. Remind them it's natural not to remember and that you just do a brain trick. You are the weird one.

I never tried to "come up with a system" to remember names, but I have noticed my brain trying to organize them. Humans love to group similar things together and compare them with different things. I remember some common names because I group them. I'm not into the "mind palace" method of memorizing, but I started dreaming of a party where all the people named Chris were in the same room talking to each other. Other guests similarly organized themselves into circles of James, Jennifer, Megan, and John. Sometimes celebrities make their way in so Liam has someone to talk with.

My final suggestion is to have a little fun helping others remember your name. Neat business cards or name tags really help. When you tell someone your name, it lasts for just a second or two. When someone sees your name on a nametag, it lasts for the entire conversation. They can see it several times. When you give them a card, they can refer to it whenever needed.

I've had a lot of fun at meetups and conferences by making my own nametags. I use Avery 2x4 inch stickers in my laser printer. Sometimes they are "professional." Sometimes they are crazy dream-influenced raytraced photos or pictures of graffiti letters spliced together. My favorite is the shirt I permanently silk-screened with a "Hello, my name is..." tag. It gets a lot of double-takes and is a great conversation starter.

I don't have "one weird trick" to remembering names, but it does seem to be a counterintuitive thing that we can learn to do once our brains realize it is a priority... much like swimming or riding a bike.